Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic

Ok folks, after my major freakout by seeing this commercial, I got to thinking. You know what? I soooo have to have one.

But wait I am broke. So I devised a scheme to see if could not get one on trade. Now please note I did not record this conversation but will do the best I can to recreate this for you.

Me: regular
Operator: italic

"Hello and thank you for calling about the Obama coin, how can i help you today?"

"Oh maam thank you so much for taking my call i just saw this on TV and I got to have one! This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. How many can I get?"

"Well sir so far we have not set a limit but if sales..."

"Oh great oh GRRRREAAATTT!! Ok here is the deal...I don't have any money but am willing to trade for quite a few. So here..."

"Ummm, Sir...we only accept credit cards or money orders."

"Now just hold on a sec and listen. Ok I got these for Christmas...I am willing to give up my partly used batch of Might Putty and an unopened Sham Wow! Ha ha!! Changed your mind now didn't you? Ok how many do I get?"

"Sir, I have tried to explain to you what our policy on exchange is"

"Ok I see you are driving a hard bargain here...ok just for you I will throw in a Snuggy...only used once and i will wash it with Downy before i pack it in. Nowww how about that?"

( small giggle ) "Sir i wish I could really help you out..."

"Golly these things must be valuable! Okay...so all of that and I will throw in a Salad Shooter and an unopened Scooby Doo Chia Head. Now I KNOW you can't pass that up! For all of those great things that has to rate at least 5 of those Obama coins!!"

( laugh getting better ) "Sir, it sounds like a really great offer but our company.."

"Legends of NASCAR plate?"

"No" ( laughter getting pretty dang good )

"Bamboo steamer?"

"Oh...sorry no" ( laughter almost uncontrollable...I am sure I am getting listened to by all of the supervisors in the call center )

"Ok you drive a hard, hard bargain. Ok...my final offer. All of the things i have mentioned...damn I am gonna need a big box...I will also throw in a Flowbee, used only once on the dog, A Thighmaster, wife never used that the lard @ss, a Bacon Genie, used alot, A pair of BluBlocker Sunglasses, never used...made my head look to small, Bible on DVD, never watched, A pair of Slipper Genie Cleaning Slippers, used partly once resulting in pulled groin muscle, a Hidden Wall Safe Pillow, have no money to put into it, and a picture of me with my head stuck to a steel girder thanks to the magic of Super Glue...now I KNOW we can make a deal now."

( All I can hear through this is laughter beyond belief )

"Sir...I think my Supervisor would like to speak with you...please hol.."

Click

See folks...Obama doesn't care about the poor people!! I, as major representative for WAMAH, have just proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt!

WAMAH!!

Dave

On a quite cold December day our Broncos decided once again to roll over at home. After losing to the Bills 30 - 23 the boys have to head to San Diego and absolutely win to go to the playoffs.

How could this happen today? Up 13 - 0 and then complacency sets in? I have no clue.

There has to be something in the coaching and decision making when you amass 532 yards to a paltry 275 and still lose.

Oh yeah...that is right...let's get to the red zone and then settle for a field goal...wait...nah let's keep doing that...it works real well.

Even if we win next week at San Diego we are gonna get smacked the first round of the playoffs with what they are accomplishing...actually that should not be the word to use. Sounds WAAAAAYYYYY too positive.

And how can you win without a decent running back? Hey Shananhan! I don't work at the mall selling cell phones but can I have a shot?

Well all, put away your sweatshirts and your orange and blue face paint for just a bit and lets hope for some magic next week...cause if ya haven't noticed...San Diego has won their last two when they were supposed to lose.

 

Dave

Now I am assuming alot of you are like me...well probably not quite as twisted...but going to sleep your mind starts going off onto all kinds of tangents if you do not have some kind of noise ( TV, radio etc. ) in the background.

Well as I have stated we always listen to Coast To Coast on 630am which starts at 11pm at night...but Shelly wanted quiet the other night and made me keep the radio off.

So I am laying there trying to go to sleep ( Shelly is out due to better life through chemistry ) and as I am starting to drift off the last thing I heard before heading up to bed started a sequence.

It was the words "Gilligan's Island"

Now I am going to try and recreate this because it is a little fuzzy...all I remember is sitting up after about 15 minutes of this crap going through my head and waking up Shelly...telling her what was going on...getting hit in the arm and being told "If you don't lay down and shut up I am getting the iron skillet and after a few cracks with that you will sleep"

Needless to say I laid back down and now know never to wake her up with these problems.

Ok back to old Gilligan...so here is my head in written form,,,hopefully this comes out correctly...please try to put yourself in my place...snuggled up under the comforter...you just kicked the cat off the bed...slowly...slowly eyes are getting heavier...

Giligan's Island...ahhh...boy Mary Ann sure helped me through puberty...man she was hot....girl next door...damn Ginger and all the make up...not my girl...hey...I wonder why neither of those girls ever got pregnant...well Giligan was always chasing after the Skipper alot...that makes me wonder...no not Mr. Howell...he had Evie...wrinkled ol BLEEP...man I wouldn't have done anything with that if ya paid me...but if he died I could get alot of money...now that would be nice...but the dang Professor would be cutting in on my action...I mean he can make a radio out of a coconut for god's sake...he would find that g-spo...hey wait a minute...he could invent all that crap and they could never get off the island...oh yeah...Giligan kept screwing it up every time...you would think they would have killed that idiot at least after the second time he...

And that was where the epiphany hit and I sat up and woke Shelly up and then of course was issued the threat that was afformentioned.

Once again...a small look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Alot of the posters on the boards have banded together because of the declining economy, the way our government is headed, an election alot of us feel had quite a few illegal implications, a president elect that may not be eligible, and well just because we are dissatisfied with our elected officals not listening to the people who put them there.

WAMAH is our acronym for We Are Mad As Hell. ( We kinda started out as the "myfoxcolorado.com anarchist league" because it would seem some of the leftist posters think that believing in your Constitution is anarchist )

We believe in our Constitution and what our founding fathers believed in when setting up our country. These ideals have fallen to the wayside over the years and basically all we are asking for is to have them back.

So far our member list is as such ( these are of course nicks from the board )

Original members

Dave
GG
RM
Diz
Valde ( Tort )
DiMur
Lift
AFW
Red
Cobo ( look )
Stacy
Danl

Newest members

cjrian

If you are interested in this please reply. And keep checking back because we will be setting up our own website with I am thinking a message board and live chat...hopefully alot of bells and whistles ( THANK YOU TORT!!! )

Dave

Change is coming people...but not the way he thought.

I listen to George every night...well on the weekends it is Ian...but it the show that Art Bell did for years...Coast to Coast...for me here in Littleton it is on  the 630am radio station and starts at 11pm.

More and more people are buying guns and ammo now.

To quote a great song/poem from the 70's "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"

I have no clue how it's going to happen...but I know it is. The main reason for the 2nd Amendment was if the people had to rise up against their government..

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness

Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence

Our founding fathers were not perfect...but they were very smart.

The values they laid were meant to keep us safe...Washington has forgotten about that...and so have alot of people.

I am not trying to make everyone nervous but if you just keep an ear open the sound of the drums are beating.

And Obama is only going to make them louder

Dave

A Christmas ( not a "Nondenominational Winter Holiday" ) story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 Dave

As of late with all of the discussions we have had regarding the election and all of the other stuff that is in the news, we have had alot of heated conversations.

Due to this alot of feelings have been hurt because some people feel they have to attack the poster rather than the post.

There is one thing all should know about this place...it is the internet! Yes everyone who posts here has feelings and has a life but when you open up and say how you feel then you are letting others into your life.

Some people come here to vent and let out how they feel on topics. Some just lurk and want to read what others have to say. And then there are others who find this place a way to make themselves feel better by attacking anyone over anything.

These people are just a harsh breeze and should be dealt as such. Turn your head away so they do not get grit into your eyes and they will go on to the next item of enjoyment.

They cannot take away your birthday.

They cannot make your spouse feel less of you.

They only have the power that you give them.

Use the message boards here for what they are...and deny the troll mongers the food they need...which is simply for you to acknowledge them.

 

Dave

 

 

 

 

 

I know i need to update the Christmas Toy thing and can hopefully tie it all together but something happened over the weekend that I need to share and get some thoughts on.

With Shelly's now debilitating disease ( fibro myalgia for those that are new ) she is taking alot of pills and they, as well as the diesease, mess with alot of things about her. She can't concentrate very much. She is in pain all the time. Well I could go on forever but this thing of getting hot is what I want to discuss.

At night she gets hot...and then she gets cold...then hot...well you see the pattern. So first we try sleeping of course with the window open and our down comforter. Apparently using free nature's design doesn't quite do the trick. So I am racking my brain when my mother brings over the American version of the Chinese Water Torture.

The Floor Standing Oscilating Fan.

I am sure some of you have these and probably love them, and i guess they are pretty spiffy...but this piece of machinery is not designed for the bedroom.

Bear with me while I get this out.

So we set this thing up last night and get into bed and the lights are off and we get under the covers and we are getting some breeze...ahhh that is nice I think and start to drift off to sleep...but then a breeze hits me in the face...and then it's gone...and then it's back...and then it's gone...so now I can't sleep because my brain is trying to figure out when the next cool blast of air is coming so in my head I am counting seconds and can never time it quite right because apparently my math teacher either sucked or I just can't count so I am always a second or two late or too early so I decide to put my head under the covers to avoid this but damn I can't breathe under here it is too damn hot so I pull my head out from under the covers anticipating the cool wind of wonderfulness to take away that heat but it's not there and so I am dissappointed and then it is there but now it is not needed because I am already cooling down and now i am just cold again so I try to go to sleep but the timing problem comes back into play so i get up and smash the thing against the wall which wakes Shelly up and she asks...

"Babe what are you doing?"

to which i sheepishly reply..

"Trying to figure out why this damn thing is broken"

Dave





please note I just turned it off but in my mind that was what I did

Ok, well some of these may not totally qualify as toys that are annualy given on Christmas...but I feel the need to bring them into play...but before I do Shelly bought something today that reminded me of my childhood and Christmas.

Ribbon Candy. I am hoping some of the older posters on here remember this utter garbage. I almost had a heartattack when she put it into the cart...

"Why are you getting that?"

"It's Holiday Candy", she replied.

I rolled my eyes and thought back to my granmother's house and this crap she pulled out every year, and it was always the same one from the year before because as it sat in the bowl it took on magical properties that can only be compared to Quickcrete and turned into one massive lump of hard sugar that could actually cause rotor cup damage trying to break it apart. Some traditional things just need to go away...put those stupid Brach's peppermint disks in the bowl and call it good I say

Okay now onto toys...

Green Army Men

One of the greatest gifts of all time! You got like 4,000 of these little buggers for $1.50. Create your own Vietnam or war of your choosing scenario. Take the enemy ones to the torture chamber, which was always direct questioning in the hot sun under a magnifying glass for me, but cramming them into the can of Crisco for death by fat was always fun too, well till Mom dug one out. There was also the ever popular suicide bomber, land ( firecracker strapped to back ) or air ( bottle rocket strapped to back ). I always used those two worthless ones for that...the guy with the radio and the seargent who motioned everyone to come on. And finally when you were all tired with them for the year the Napalm run was always a hit...which consisted of getting them all set up on the sidewalk, dousing them in gasoline, making airplane noises with a match in my hand, and of course making one hell of a gooey mess. So sad now that kids have Playstation and have forgotten what an imagination is...well maybe safer though...remind me some time to tell my two pyro stories.

Mr. Microphone

Now this was a pretty cool toy for when you were smaller...but as soon as you learned a few cuss words this got taken away. I still remember singing in front of the mirror with this idiotic toy, pretending I was David Cassidy from The Partridge Family ( yeah I was warped and didn't have very high expectations in life back then ) and getting caught by my sister who found that this story should be brought up at any family gathering or if I had friends over to spend the night.

Sit And Spin

I really hope they don't make these anymore because the person who invented it should be taken out some place and be beaten repeatedly with a heavy piece of mining equipment. The only toy I know that should have had a warning label suggesting Dramamine. You spin around...you don't get anywhere...and you get sick! Yay Fun! You can do that without spending money! We were out skateboarding in the local grocery store parking lot when one of my friends picks up a smashed can and bet my other friend he couldn't hold it straight out, stare directly at it, spin around 30 times, throw it, and then go step on it. Took him a few minutes but he did it and me being the idiot that I was back then announced I would spin around 60 times and do it. To this day after I threw that can I swear I did NOT fall down...I looked to the left and the ground litrerally came up and met my face. So parents save some money, smush a can, and show the little tykes how good they can bounce, preferably on grass.

Well since I am helping make dinner...this once again will be continued...

Dave

In 1978 we left on a Wednesday morning to go to see my mother's parents. My Dad drove and my sister Lauren and I of course were in the back seat...she was 8 I was 6. Now I love a good road trip but this one was bad...mainly because of the kind of car we had. It was a 1974 Crap brown Gremlin. Not exactly the most comfortable car to travel in lemme tell ya.

Well we had traveled all day and mom had packed snacks and drinks and all for the trip...our only stops were for gas and to pee. Needless to say this is not good on kids of our age. Every McDonald's we passed we of course would yell for a happy meal...resounding NO from the front seat. Oh but Dad there's a Dairy Queen...once again NO. So not only were we denied any of the "finer" things of the road trip ( trust me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches suck when you keep passing Burger King's ) but this is 1978 and we really had nothing to entertain us. No Gameboy's back then. We had the license plate game and a few coloring books. Yay!

Ok needless to say my Dad was getting frustrated with us...because when we didn't get our way we of course were p'ssed off and then eventually it would come to us fighting in the back. So beides hearing "No" alot we also got quite familiar with the phrases "Cut it out", "You two stop it", and of course the famous old adage "I will turn this car around".

Well after MANY hours of this it starts to get dark and Dad and Mom have had it with us so they tell us to get our pillows out and get some sleep. So we get our pillows and for some odd reason Lauren finds the need to get one last punch in before she lays down, apparently little brother tormenting is the best sleep aid for older sisters. I of course can't let her have the last hit so I kick her...this of course leads to a scuffle which causes my dad to reach back and swat us both on the butt. This was amazing to me because he managed to smack us both pretty good while doing 65 mph down the highway.

Now Lauren, who now has a Phd. in both Microbiology and Genetic Engineering...she is the smart one as you will see, put her head under her pillow and said nothing.

I on the other hand did likewise by putting my head under the pillow and then for some reason uttered the dumbest thing I could ever say ( that reigned untill I said "I Do" quite a few years later )

"Didn't hurt!"

This was responded by a boisterous "DIDN'T HURT????"

Picture if you will a little crap brown car going from 65 mph to 0 in the space of a few seconds. I can only imagine how much rubber came off of those tires.

I was extracted from the back seat while Dad did his best Clint Eastwood move where on hand held my arm as the other in one fluid motion undid his belt, slipped out of the loops, and doubled into his hand for the butt whupping that I received behind this wonderful model of American Engineering, in the dark, side of the highway, with other cars flying by.

That was the start to one thanksgiving I will never forget.

Hope you all enjoyed that one.

Dave

Every year they have all kinds of new crap for us consumers. I do this little bit on stage and thought since most of you will never have the opportunity to see me live ( well we could try and organize a get together sometime next summer...hint hint ) I thought I would type it out. Try to imagine, if you will, me doing this.

Shopping for Christmas or birthday gifts for kids sucks. You can never find the right thing. Shelly and i were recently in K-Mart looking for a birthday present for an 8 year old nephew of hers. She picked up "Spirograph" and said..

"What about this?"

Now before I answered I had a flashback of this stupid toy. Who remembers Spirograph? This idiotic toy I swear was thought up by some Geometry major from MIT that took waaaaaayyyyyy too much acid. What is the purpose of it? Make pretty crap? But how can you buy this for a boy? Sure for a girl..( Dave does his best little girly voice here )

"Look Susie...isn't it cuuuuuute!!"

You can't do that with boys...

"Hey Billy...check it out!"

And of course Billy thinks you have sugar in your shoes and goes off to play with Jimmy.

So back to K-Mart...I of course say no and she continues to meander through the high priced crap when I all of the sudden spot something...

LAWN DARTS!!

Who remembers these? Now I am talking the ones from the 70's...6" steel spike on the end. Now some of you who do remember this awesome toy will remember they got banned and every comic I have ever heard has always put these things down because some idiot kid in Cleveland got hit in the head. But I think this toy was the ultimate revenge. What if you were a little vindictive b@stard and little Billy down the street had been p'ssing you off. Hell that's a free shot!!

"Hey Billy you wanna play?"

"What are we gonna play?"

"Lawn darts"

"How do you play??"

"Well you stand down there in the middle of that hoop and close your eyes"

Those visions were dancing in my head till I picked up the box and saw they were all plastic now. They need to take the warning labels off of kids toys. I swear that is a form of natural selection. The kid that swallows the most marbles loses...then he won't grow up to make more stupid people that I have to put up with on the roads.

....to be continued

Dave

Ok, not really a fund raiser...but i have figured out how these guys can make some more money for the city.

Crosswalks.

I go to ACC and walk from my house, which is right across from Littleton High School, all the way there. I think it is between 2 - 3 miles. But everyday that I do walk I really take my life into my own hands. Almost ever intersection some idiot that is either in too much of a hurry so they run the red light, or they are on their cell phone and run the red light, or they really just do not care about the little man blinking white that says I can walk, I almost get hit. Now the intersections are bad. But at the light rail station on Prince and across Church St. there are 2 designated crosswalks.

You can tell them by the BIG GREEN SIGNS and THE WHITE LINES ON THE ROAD. But do you think these ever get watched by the police?

I know that for not having your seatbelt on it's about $50 or more. What is the penalty for almost killing people as they walk across these DESIGNATED areas and cars just fly right past them? I almsot got my hip taken out by a side view mirror on Thursday.

I guess it is going to take someone from ACC or someone getting off the light rail getting smushed for the police to really take the fact that people have no respect for pedestrians anymore.

I know when you come to my blog you expect some funny crap...but after almost getting hit again going to King Soopers i had the need to vent.

Please Mr.Police Officer, take a look into this area and others, cause not only do we have ACC students over there...but there is a blind school as well.

Dave

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull...or whatever the title is. I have finally come  to a conclusion. Sometimes you just have to let things go.

Let's look at a few examples.

Godfather 1 and 2...amazing movies! Godfather part 3...ehhhh...well it came in the box set I tell the wife.

Halloween 1 and 2...excellent horror flicks! 3 - hell 76??? Complete garbage unless you have the brain power of oatmeal. I mean 3 had nothing to do with Michael Myers...stupid Silver Shamrock bugs coming out your mouth masks.

Star Wars...oh man can you get better than the ones we grew up with?? These would be episodes 4 - 6. Then they went and did 1 - 3 and killed it for all of us old people. Sure the kids loved em and they sold alot more crappy toys...but they really did suck.

I look upon the Indiana Jones movies as I have so far on M.Night Shamalyan movies. The first one was GREAT!! The second one sucked. The 3rd one was GREAT. The 4th one sucked.

This hit and miss crap is getting on my nerves. But why do they do it? Because they know we will go out and pay money regardless of how crappy it is because of the name or the genre they have created.

Stephen King was an alcoholic and a coke addict...and wrote amazing stuff. He gets clean...gets hit by a car...and now puts out substandard material but yet makes millions still off of his name. That goes to show that Poe and Coleridge, who were opium addicts, knew never to give it up, otherwise their work would slip.

But there comes a time when ya gotta let something go. I mean I really never want to see Rocky 17 "Fight Over The Snack Pack". That nursing home thing I really hope never flies in the eyes of Hollywood.

Oh well, once again, a sad look into movies from your friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to
keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave
you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.

hehehehe

Dave

Took the day off from class...can't kick this cold/stomach flu...about to start pounding tequila to rid myself of bacteria and all motor skills...Ok, sorry I digress.

I was sitting checking the boards and my chess games and scanning the tv for something enlightening to watch...trust me folks daytime television is about as mind numbing as you can get...when I noticed a movie on that I haven't seen since I was a kid.

Flash Gordon ( made in 1980...I was 8 )

I actually took the time to sit and watch this utter piece of crap to see if it was as bad I remembered it. Okay well maybe when I was 8 and those were considered "special effects" and listening to Freddie Mercury was cool to me.

But now?

Oh man...I can only rate a few movies that maybe I thought were cool around that time that if I watched today I would like to go back in time and slap myself.

And before you ask NO...XANADU was NEVER cool!!!

Small look into the thoughts of your friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave